Uni is going well, nearly over. Work is going great, left Coles now at a proper company. Great job to be at while I am studying. I have an interview in the second week of my summer break with the organisation I have been dreaming to work for since I was in year 10. Everything I have done academically since then has been to work for this organisation, hopefully I can get some part time work while I finish off my degree.
Living with the love of my life. The flat looks great and we have everything we could possibly want. Everything is nice.
I am learning more about myself every day thanks to the obstacles life has thrown in my way.
I am learning more and more about the world and everything in it thanks to tertiary education.
Of course thanks to my philosophical nature, my questioning mind, that I can learn.
This summer break is going to be even better than the last, and the last will be hard to beat.
Should make for some interesting journal entries.

It has been so long since I logged into LJ, so many changes, I don't know where to start learning all the new thingies.

Paul, if you read this... will you sometime show me the new ropes? LOL!

This ring is a symbol of my love for you, original feelings and commitments never felt or made of my behalf for any individual ever before. Keep it with you to remind you of me, of us, of our beginnings, our present, and our future. Let it remind you of my trust in you, in what we have, and what we will have in the future. Most of all let it remind you of my love and commitment to you and only you.

i had such a good weekend. :o)

I have the worst headache and sore neck bloody hell!

Life has been good of late. Things are certainly setting in motion for quite a big year of change. I still hope of better days when things will be as I imagine them but I wonder does everybody do that...

Anyway this post is like the second part to the post about my night a B's house. So he fell asleep and I was wide awake confused as fuck thinking and asking what the hell was going on with the two of us, trying to sort out how I felt about him, analysing, fears, stress, sadness, hope, etc etc etc.... I was not going to sleep any time soon.

So I got up and bummed around, alone in this stupid house. I was trying to work out what I should do with the situation, at the same time Sex and the City was on, thank you Foxtel. I don't normally watch the show but that night is was almost perfect for me as it got my mind off things and cheered me up. Woke up the next day earlyish and went to do some grocery shopping. B was still asleep; I guess he needed it seeing he had not slept in like three days due to drugs. I was so bored for half of that day because he was sleep. In the end I thought to myself "THIS IS FUCKED, WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?" I was actually waiting around for this guy to wake up, wasting my day.

Funny enough he got up when he saw me preparing to leave. I stayed once he was awake but we did absolutely nothing. He just watched the cricket and I was reading. Yeah the company was nice and all but we had so many unresolved agendas. Anyway so eventually I left and he was all huggy kissy, blowing kisses when I was driving away etc. Yeah it was nice but it felt empty. I remember getting home that night feeling totally messed up and in love or what ever it was. Caught up with T for a coffee, haha, we both had heaps of news and goss, it was great. I felt better after coffee. I sent him an SMS when I went to bed saying Gnight nice seeing you today etc, no reply. In fact I didn't hear from him at all for I can't even remember how long. But you know what, I didn't care so much. I no longer looked back at moments shared, thoughts of security and protection, the feeling of safety with knowing that this person had very strong feelings for me, the looks and how they stirred something deep within me etc, I no longer looked back on them with a feeling of loss and sadness.

That said the other week I tried to organise a catch up on Tuesday night. He said yeah cool we will organise it. By Tuesday day I could not be bothered as I had made other plans but because I had made plans with him first I did the right thing. Well I tried to contact B to organise but no answer. No contact nothing. I have not heard from him to this very day...LOL! Well except a "Are you there?" on MSN but I was not at the computer. I don't care any more. I am at that stage where I can look at the situation and event objectively, oh how I fucking love objectivity!

Finally tis fin! I have gotten most of it out of me and recorded in the written word. The second half is perhaps less formal than the first.

Anyway of late I have been very busy at work. I am managing a department at the moment which means I am working around 42 hours a week until the 6th of Feb. Good money, good experience, but at the same time stressful and draining. I got home last night all pumped to go out because I had Sun off (normally I work Sun morning), but all I could do was sleep. Best sleep last night though! I am going to use this month of full-time work to my advantage in a number of ways. Firstly financially, I will be earning more money than I have ever before which I will mobilise to pay my tax and put some money away for 2006 car expenses, not to mention up coming uni fees and books etc. Already calculated how much this will all be and I still have money left over for what ever I like and also money to save. I feel like this is a new start, I even joined a new bank...LOL. I have been in pure holiday mode since Uni finished and although it has been awesome I need to grow up just a little. I think we all need some form of routine and structure in our lives and not the wake up at 12, go out for lunch at 1, home by 3, rest a little, out by 8 home by 4am up at 12 the next day...LOL.

I seriously should be very tired right now seeing I only had around 4, if that, hours of sleep. I think I am at that stage where I have gotten over being tired; that or the two short blacks I consumed whilst out with Tash is keeping me awake and alert.

Hmmzzz I could write so much right now, there is so much to write and analyse and ponder. Something stops me from doing so in my LJ, the fact that others could be reading what I write and judge. Why don't I just make my posts private? What is the temptation to expose our deep thoughts etc to the whole unknown global populace? Do I write for other to read or do I write to record my life in written form? Could be both... anyway over analysing this topic. I write about B again because the situation is important to me at this moment in time. It was not hours before when I was catching up with friends, and probably will not be so when I wake in the morning. Like when we grieve, things like this come and go.

Wednesday I went out with mum for lunch and right after I finished telling her what my plans were for the night (seeing a friend who just got back from the hot and humid QLD), B called. I think I jumped when I saw his ID come up on my mobile, answering nervously I realised how much influence he could have over my body and its reactions. I had not heard his voice in over a week. I was moving one slowly slowly, yes there were bursts of dissapointment and hurt but they were slowly declining in quantity. He asked how I was and what I had been up to, to which I answered the conventional "good" and "not much".
"I'm not working much this week so I am pretty free, was wondering if you wanted to catch up?"
"Yeah sure what nights are you free"
"Tonight, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday"
"Cool well I'm free tonight"
"OK cool"
"Well I'm out with my mum at the moment I will give you a buzz when I get home"
BLA BLA BLA BLA

Get off the phone and mum asked why I said I was free when I already had plans. To which I made up some excuse which bears no real relevance to what I am writing about. For the rest of my time with her all I could think about was seeing him. That is all I wanted to do. I cancelled my pre-existing plans with out remorse, normally I never cancel arrangements in order to pursue others.

I really cannot be bothered writing the rest but I feel as if I have to because I started telling a story.

Anyway got to his house at around 8pm and straight away he looked at me, it was not that look with the tilted head but it was something which gave me butterflies. My cheeks blushed, my heart sped up, I was feeling flusted. I could not get over the reaction my body was having to seeing him. Yeah it was really awkward at first, I could not feel comfortable around him. He kept on asking me how I was and what i had been up to. Then out of the blue asked:
"So what's going on with us?"
"I don't know the ball is in your court man"
"No, as I remember it was you who said you wanted to be friends"
Which was so not true as I remember exactly what I sent in that sms as it took me around 15 minutes to perfect. Anyway he left topic. So we talked about what happened, both were honest. I really appreciate the fact that we could sit there and actually discuss the issues live civilised beings. He admitted he changed with me because he was having doubts, brought on by a few things I had done and said. Fair enough with that I presume we all have doubts, even I.

So things were left up in the air like that, then another friend came over and we watched some DVD's. Even though she was a really nice person all I wanted was for her to go. Which she eventually did. That said I am glad she came because I got to hear them converse about their new years. Lots of drugs, for three days drugs and no sleep. Come the fuck on that is out of control! But you know what, I really did not give a shit about that because I heard all his regrets and disappointments regarding the whole experience. When will he learn that it will always be like this. When the friend finally left B was utterly exhausted as he had not properly slept in days.
"I'm going to bed are you coming?"

So I felt awkward again as I did not know what was to be done. Was I to sleep on the couch, in another bed, in his bed? I just crashed in his bed but when I got in I was right on the other side to which he remarked:
"You're like 2 metres away man"
So I knew it was OK if we were close. Nothing sexual happened. Then I couldn't help myself, and went to the usual position which is me holding him with my head cradled in this part on his back. it's like it was designed and shaped to fit and comfort the part of my head/face that rests on his back. As soon as I did that he was like: "finally". And I swear he fell asleep in less than one minute.

To be continued, CBF writing any longer. 12:24AM 06/01/06

But still, and this is honest, it gladdens me that I am still learning about myself. My latest experiences, I have learnt so much and for that I am very grateful....

Just some more negative ponders from me. Actually they are not necessarily negative, rather, the harsh reality of a world I revisited, crushed hopes,dreams and hearts, the tough decisions one must make.

Why am I finding it painfully difficult to let go of something that could never have worked? I cannot even delete his sms'. I tried the other night, deleted a fair few but then got to one which stopped me, perhaps I am not ready to move on definitely just yet.

'I really hope your not cut at me. Im feeling so paranoid. Honestly yianni, i really lyk you n love what we share. I really do lyk u. U n me atm to me is almost lyk we're seeing each othr. i have eyes 4 no1 else but u. mwa'

When he drove he used to love holding my hand and rubbing the soft skin between my knuckles. He loved kissing this part on my arm where a vein stuck out. He used to look at me like I was specia, long stares and a tilted head... those eyes.... I loved the way he moved, danced, his voice....

I understand it is normal that things do not always work out between people but why does it have to be so painful? I understand that we were wrong for each other, there were elements about him which did not mesh with mine, I could see this but still I kept walking in his direction. He was a man, he was masculine, very masculine, that part meshed well with me. I am left feeling somewhat broken, like I gave him something and now I have to slowly grow anew.

So his memory is yet another to be added to my history of lovers, just like the rest of us, in our search for Mr Right. Is Mr Right even possible I find myself continually asking? I myself have a history which would disturb me if it was a love interest's own history, am I a hypocrite? I do not want someone with a history, but we all have them. We rush into things, especially relationships, we get too emotionally attached, too soon, and then we realise that relationship we had hoped for does not and will not ever exist. By then it is too late as the cement is setting, the emotions have already blended and mixed.

If you can not be friends with someone then you can not possibly maintain a lasting relationship. So why do we not try becoming friends first, where trust and emotions can be tested reasonably safely. Saving a painful history, depressing memories. Is the modern Westerner addicted to the gamble?

I am ok, this is merely a reflection or record of thoughts that have passed through my mind in the last few weeks.

NYE was good fun in the end, I was not expecting that. Went to this dance party with some friends from school and uni. Most people were in a general good mood which made the atmosphere great. I am glad I went out this NYE because it killed some of my negativity, you know, talking to random strangers, strangers wishing me a happy new year, people generally happy and nice, all of that stuff.

I hate the fact that B is not in my life the way he used to be, and that things did not turn out the way I thought they would. I also hate the fact that he is at summer days right now having a ball, on drugs, with out me! Does that sound weird? Anyway, new year, new mind frame. I have to start planning my direction this year, maybe I will give it another month before I start to wean myself off holiday mode.

Looks like it is going to rain... secretly I fucking hope it buckets down, anyone reading this entry has probably figured out why I write this...LOL!

You walked lightly into my life
Captivating and lovely to my mind,
At first, I never cared who you were
Now I don’t know who I am without you,
You kissed me
I felt my world change,
You held me
I heard my heart awaken,
You loved me
And my soul was born anew
You walked lightly into my life
Now my heart knows who you are
Your voice is my guide
Your strength my shelter
You’re passion my awakening.
You walked lightly into my life,
And all my fears
You cast into the sea,
All my doubt
Lost in your eyes,
You walked lightly into my life
And no matter if you choose to stay or go,
My life is forever changed,
Just because you loved me
For a moment in time.

Author unknown to me....

The truth is, I do not want to turn back, even though I am not as happy as I was before. I think it is for fear of missing out on something. What that something is I have not totally worked out but I have a general idea. People say I am a big mystery and that used to hurt me. I realised that I really cannot be any other way because half the time I am a mystery to myself, even though I have my head screwed on. I think it is best to describe myself as a mass of contradictions because nothing is for certain any more or should I say I have come to realise that nothing is for certain.

We draw conclusions from the facts that are presented to us so if everyone operates from their own observance, no one conclusion can be identical, rather generalised and categorised based on similarities. We clasp onto these conclusions to get us through this world with a sense of purpose and understanding after all what else are we to do? Does a similar logic apply to self realisation? Does our environment, our mood, our current life situation influence our own interpretation? Clasping at a conclusion about self so as to feel a sense of identity and clarity about purpose.

Well I refuse to draw conclusions about myself, I refuse to make promises to myself, and I refuse to speak of definite feelings, because they are constantly changing to meet the new environment, it is a survival tactic.

Down, down, down in your heart
Find, find, find the secret
Turn, turn, turn your head around
Baby we can do it
We can do it all right

Do you believe in love at first sight
It's an illusion, I don't care
Do you believe I can make you feel better
Too much confusion, come on over here

Can we get together
I really, I really wanna be with you
Come and check it out with me
I hope you, I hope you feel the same way too

I searched, I searched, I searched my whole life
To find, find, find the secret
But all I did was open up my eyes
Baby we can do it
we can do it all right

Do you believe that we can change the future
Do you believe I can make you feel better

It's all an illusion
There's too much confusion
I'll make you feel better
If it's bitter at the start
Then it's sweeter in the end

Get Together - Madonna

When we were introduced, neither of us knew
I already saw all I needed
Our eyes met there was something, yet still, there was uncertainty
Moments passed, I could not stop but wonder what you would be like
Those hands to touch, those lips to kiss, your hair for me to feel in between my fingers...
We verbally communicated but the body language said it all
All night the signs were there, my heart felt, my eyes scanned
We were ripped apart as the night laid to rest
Fears of uncertainty obstructed any approach and resolution
Something which I deeply regret
Because now I learn more and more the obstructions placed ahead of me and my hearts desires
They are supposed to hold me back but I refuse to let them
I can not let those moments we shared mean nothing
Day by day I forget and your image, the emotions you stirred up in me fade away
I still wonder what could have been
I still wonder if it is possible
I fear what I might do and who I might hurt because of my own heart's desires are so powerful
It is a human trait to let matters of the heart rule our minds and lives
These emotions have the power to shift mountains in my life
As I go through life constantly having my life shaken and disturbed
Because I let my heart rule my world
And I refuse to have it any other way
I will not say no to it, at what ever the cost....

Saturday night I was actually doing some research for my final Soc essay when at around 10pm I got a message from M saying his mother had died and the the funeral was on the Monday at bla bla place and bla bla time. I was seriously shocked. He loved his mum and I know that the family had been through a rough time in the past. I had to go to the funeral to support M. I nearly cried because it was so hard to see someone I cared for so hurt. I was glad that I saw S and J and we got to catch up for a while after the funeral. J and I decided to go to the wake and I drove. It was a really long drive as we got lost, but it was good to catch up - it had seriously been too long.

I hope that we can make something positive out if this sad occasion be relighting the friendship that group once had. I certainly felt like there was some strong bond back in the day, and I definitely felt it the other day. I got to meet some of M's friends at the wake, quite a good looking bunch. Apparently one of them was trying to chat me up, I wouldn't have minded. But I was too fricken scared to like ask for a number when I left and I am so annoyed at myself. I guess a wake is not an appropriate event to begin anything like that but still........ I wonder...I wonder.

I want to get contact details but I don't know how. Can I ask M for them, what if he liked the person too? I know that they are good friends, but sometimes one person likes the other more. Grrrr, no one understands, it was so perfect, perfect elements, if that even makes any sense to the outside reader. Ok, I will make an effort in one way or another to take things further with this person.

Meanwhile it is fucking hot right now. I really do think that it will be a hot summer this year. Everyone always says ever year that the current summer will be a hot one but for the past 10 years it has never been that hot. But for once I am saying it will be hot, and I have not heard anyone else saying it before I do, so that is why I think it will be so.

I can't get those eyes out of my mind..... they were black, I love black eyes.

It is so hot right now and I have no air conditioning. I am waiting for 8:30 to get ready to go down to St Kilda with friends for coffee, I presume iced and a nice walk along the beach. I love St Kilda on hot days. I love my life right now, and everything that is happening. I can just tell that it will be an awesome summer, especially because now I am totally independent with my new car.

I feel like a little excited child.

Grrrr, I also cant get that smile out of my mind....

Anyway I am going to start getting ready, might have a shower.

Sometimes I am amazed at how accurate these quizzes are, or is it that they are written in such a way that it could apply to anyone?

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it. That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power! The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism. You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world. Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in. You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you? You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways. Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you. As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often. You give completely and unconditionally in relationships. You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered. You're secretly hoping your partner will change for you. You are fickle and tend to fall out of love easily. You bounce from romance to romance.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was arrogant, acting like the dictator of your life. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage. In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

I can not get Madonna out of my head; I really like her new song! I can't wait till the 7th when the single comes out. Wonders if it will be a flop.... Last week of Uni but my last exam is on the 21st. Being positive; I have a long time to study for two of my important exams. I still have a Soc essay to write by Wednesday - I will start after this entry I think. I bought a car and will be driving it no later than Wednesday! Finally I need a car so bad. I don't think there is much to report except the fact that I have been working a lot lately, need the money to buy insurance. I am so proud of myself, will be totally financing this car all by myself. No contributions from 'daddy' and no high interest loans. Woo hoo. Yeah that is about as far as my enthusiasm goes as I will not get excited about the car until I am behind the wheel driving it home from the car dealer.

Far out I can't wait for the holidays to begin! So much is going to happen, so many parties, so many nights out, and going away to QLD should be awesome.

K, the chick that wanted sex the other night was kinda weird today. I must admit I felt pretty weird at first. She asked me after the Pol lec what I thought, and I assumed she was implying what I thought about the other night and there was this big awkward confusion which now that I look back at it was kind of funny. I don't know why but I kind of have some feelings for her, but my intellect says no. I think that is a big problem of mine, my bloody brain tells me no for everyone. Because my heart says yes, but then I start to think about all the bad elements or prospects and in the end I move on. It was the same story with Kr, although I still have feelings for him, still do not know where I stand with him. I swear there is something but there is no way of telling. I don't want to ruin a great friendship, and let’s be honest here, letting a friend know you like them does make things awkward, especially when they are of the same sex...LOL. Would I say I was gay or would I say I was bisexual? Both are true in a way, I hate sexual labels, they are so limiting in so many fricken ways.

Sexual attraction is too complicated to catagorise. I mean they come from numerous historical individual experiences. I have no clue where my attraction for Kr comes from; I wish I could, the same goes for K. I know they are both totally different attractions, and when I come to think about it, they are not necessarily sexual attractions. With K there are both, but with Kr there is no sexual attraction. I want him to embrace me or something, its weird, it’s fucked up, whatever, I'm working it out. I love those blue eyes! I love eyes now days, they can say so much.

Last night was very interesting in deed. I got an extension on the final Sociology essay till next Wednesday which has given me an extra three days I had not planned for. So, I took the opportunity to go out with some friends from uni - many of which were Scandinavian. I have always gotten along with them and they are a cool bunch of people but seriously, they did not have any limits. I have never seen anyone drink that much in my life, and I have never met that many people who have had sex with over 30 different people. I knew that they quite liberal in Scandinavia but I didn't think that liberal.

I suppose I am being judgemental on people but come on; there are consequences for every action. Sex with random people IS dangerous. I know I have a promiscuous history but I eventually saw what risks I was taking, and their consequences and decided to be responsible. And what else was kind of sad was the fact that there were these two people, they have a casual sex relationship. They were talking about how many people they had had sex with and the male cracked it because the female had had sex with so many guys. But so had he!

So yeah the night was good and all but I felt unsafe in one way or another. A girl who I liked wanted to have sex but firstly my faith said no, secondly she has had sex with 36 partners before, and thirdly it just felt wrong. I won't deny I wanted to but for me it just wasn't right. I felt really bad about it actually because I have not experienced that kind of situation before. She was really amazed that I said no, in fact she seemed moved. She said it was a "good" thing. Anyway I woke up in the morning just wanting to get the fuck out of there, i was feeling so bad, I can only imagine how bad I would have felt if I had of actually had sex with her. I called Lani and thank God she came and picked me up. She said she knew I wanted to get out of the college, I am so grateful for that.

I guess I really am conservative when it comes to that. My friends thought I was a big drinker with no limits, these people put me to shame..lol. I was trying to think what I would have done if it was a guy instead of a girl. Of course I would have wanted to, but faith would have said not, the fear of their sexual history also no, and I absolutely know that if I had of some something I would have felt bad about it the next day. So I think I would have done the same thing regardless. I don't think I am a random person anymore. It would have to be in a relationship or someone I knew really well and liked a lot.

Last night was a night in which I was forced to ease up more than usual and just not give a shit. Once I did that (to an extent) I had a pretty good time, so did everyone else around me.

I have class at 10 but I didn't know what else to do. A few more weeks and I will have completed my first year of Uni, I can not wait for the summer holidays. I wanted to go up north in January but now I have to work because the manager is going away for 3-4 weeks. I suppose there will still be time when she gets back.

Life has been pretty good lately, although I have not had much time for leisure as Uni commitments are consuming. I am seriously contemplating a move to Europe for at leased one semester on exchange. Perhaps in Italy, I know there are English speaking universities there.

Love life, non-existent. I seriously am not interested in anyone, well with a few exceptions but they will never eventuate. But I am cool with this fact at current, I wasn't two last week. One thing I have learned is that Humans are constantly changing. One week someone might totally believe and profess some 'truth' and the next they may have completely changed.

Anyway I should probably make a move on to class.